


Rey's Panties

by rainbowtaurus



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All the reylo tropes, Crack Treated Seriously, Dirty Talk, Discussion of Pregnancy, Doggy Style, Dominant Ben Solo, Dominant Rey, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Female Ejaculation, Hair-pulling, Here comes Mara Jade, Jedi Ben Solo, Luke kind of gets excited by it, Luke loses his virginity, Luke needs to relax and stop creeping, No Pregnancy, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Not Beta Read, Oral Sex, Padawan Rey, Porn with Feelings, Pregnancy kink but no pregnancy, Protective Ben Solo, Rey is 20 Ben is 30, Reylo happily ever after, Secret Relationship, Skywalker Jedi Academy, Stop staring uncle Luke, Submissive Ben Solo, Submissive Rey (Star Wars), Vaginal Sex, Virgin Luke, Vulgar sexual language, busted by Uncle Luke, crackfic, discussion of birth control and plan B, major character cameos, pickled snokes, why am i like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:20:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24366472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowtaurus/pseuds/rainbowtaurus
Summary: It takes only one incident for Luke to question his decision to train Ben in the ways of the Force.It starts when Luke finds a sticky pair of women’s underwear in Ben’s bed.“Gosh darn,” he mutters under his breath.His nephew has too much of his father’s horniness in him.Rey is 20, Ben is 30.Mind the tags
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 190
Kudos: 290





	1. Golly Gee

It takes only one incident for Luke to question his decision to train Ben in the ways of the Force. 

It starts when Luke finds a sticky pair of women’s underwear in Ben’s bed. 

“Gosh darn,” he mutters under his breath.

His nephew has too much of his father’s horniness in him. 

Luke waits until night falls and a cool breeze sweeps across Ahch-To. The rusty wheels of the caretaker’s wagons have come to a halt after a hard day of toiling. The Padawans and Knights should be sleeping. 

But he _has to know_ if the purity of his program is being threatened. If his integrity is at stake. He won't be outdone by the _other_ Jedi Academy. No kriffing way.

Luke creeps down to Ben’s hut. 

There is a warm glow coming from the Jedi Knight’s dwelling and he hears - squeaking noises? Someone is _squeaking?_

No...he fluidly crawls over jagged rocks, moving closer. The noise sharpens into high pitched, breathy sobs of pleasure.

_“B - Ben!”_

Holy bantha doodie. Son of a _blaster -_

His nephew is nailing one of the Padawans.

Luke swears every not-too-offensive curse known to human and alien kind alike and crawls military style to the hut’s window. He hovers underneath it. With the exception of galactic animals he has never seen sex. He’s never _had_ sex.

And certainly not with an animal.

No siree, golly gosh no thank you.

Luke knows he and Ben have different ideas about the Jedi Order. Very different ideas. They spend long nights having heated debates about Jedi philosophy and the code. Maybe it isn’t that Ben is like Han, maybe he is more like his grandfather Anakin Skywalker.

After all, he and Leia wouldn’t be here if Anakin hadn’t fallen in love and enjoyed having...

Sigh. 

Luke’s eyes are wide and anxious as he cranes his neck, turtle like, to peak through the window.

He nearly faints at the scene playing out in front of him. This is so, so much worse than finger farkling. 

Ben’s wrists are bound together and tied above his head, and his nephew writhes on the mattress; back arching, eyes pinched shut, hips canting upwards.

And _Rey_. The dirty girl!

Luke can see _everything._

She is naked and riding Ben relentlessly, her tits bouncing around and out of control. Perky, pretty tits.

“Fuck Rey, _fucking untie me_ before I break the headboard,” Ben grunts. 

Rey responds, her voice breathy and feminine.

“Isn’t that what headboards are for?”

Heavy panting fills the room and wet squelching noises burn through Luke’s ears. Is that sound coming from her... _pussy_?

Horror of all horrors, Luke feels a tightening in his pants.

No. No. No.

Luke covers his eyes and shakes his head.

He is _not_ going to think about Rey’s pussy getting fucked by his nephew’s cock. 

Rey is a virgin. She took vows, _Jedi vows._ She respects the Jedi and the rules. She is a rule follower! Like him.

The echo of wood splitting jolts Luke and he peers through his fingers. 

_“Ben!”_

That naughty nephew of his is hoisting Rey over his shoulder and oh - _oh_ blast it all, he _needs_ to look away.

But _the view._

Rey’s ass is facing the window as Ben bends her over, his large hand splayed on her lower back. 

Is _that_ what a human pussy looks like? Pink and glistening, swollen and stretched?

Luke clamps his jaw shut, realizing that his mouth is hanging open and he’s salivating.

 _“Pretty little pussy,”_ Ben murmurs, running a hand down Rey’s spine and grabbing a fistful of her hair, _“Gonna fuck you until you come on my cock. Gonna fill you up with my come, I want it dripping down your thighs.”_

Rey whimpers.

Luke chokes back a gasp. 

Where in the _worlds_ did his sweet Benny-Boy learn to speak like that?

Luke intends to give Han a good finger-wagging talking-to.

It’s mesmerizing, watching them fuck like animals, primal and messy. He watches Ben drape himself over Rey as he ruthlessly pounds into her and she claws at the sheets. Then Ben kisses her eyelids, her cheek, and they exchange a slow, sloppy kiss.

Luke averts his gaze.

Why does _that_ feel too intimate to watch?

He glances back up to see Rey smiling as she moans, the noise obviously driving Ben crazy.

But then - 

Barrving nuts!

Rey locks eyes with him and _screams._ A blood curdling, hair raising scream.

With a wet _plop_ Ben pulls out and comes around to cradle her face.

“Are you okay?”

Her lower lip trembles and Ben follows her gaze to the window. His expression hardens.

“What the _fuck_ , Skywalker?”


	2. Temper Tantrums

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another ridiculous chapter.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> ____

_Gee-wizz, I’m in trouble now._

Luke finds himself frozen in place, sweat saturating his robes as he wills the tent in his pants to go down.

What he just witnessed is obscene. Blasphemous. The Jedi code deserves more _respect_.

Not to mention fornicating outside of marriage - it’s _scandalous_. Even if Jedi do not marry, Luke _cannot believe_ Ben would tarnish Rey’s impeccable good-girl reputation. News like this could end up all over the holonet gossip channels.

Rey was his golden child, his star pupil. She was all set to surpass Ben and become the perfect Jedi.

The whole thing is such a darn-tootin’ mess.

And by golly, Ben could accidentally get her in the family way. Luke doesn’t know what people say to each other during sex, but certainly not the filthy words Ben said. Luke shudders as an unwanted thrill runs up his spine. It was so _nasty,_ so vulgar for Ben to boast about filling her pussy with his seed.

Dash-it-all, Rey _enjoyed_ it. She was so open and raw and -

This is most inappropriate. Rey is like a daughter to him. Luke's days of incest are long behind him thank you _very_ much. He is _not_ going to dwell on the vision of sweaty bodies pressed together, rutting and moaning like mindless...

Beads of sweat gather on Luke’s brow.

Why aren’t his pants going down?

He thinks back to what is at stake.

Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Academy wouldn’t survive the scandal of a child born _out of wedlock_. Even Anakin Skywalker, the galaxy's most impulsive Jedi, had enough sense to make an honest woman out of Padme. His parents were respectable. But Ben? That kid is trouble.

Oh, Luke just knows he is going to be in a deep pile of koochoo if he doesn't lay down the law. 

Speaking of trouble, here comes his nephew.

Luke's throat bobs as Ben storms across the hut, deliberate and furious. Ben is large, overbearing and massive - a burly beast of a creature. All brawn and broad shouldered with a strong jaw and penetrating eyes. In one swipe he rips the window curtain down. 

_Maker,_ Luke wishes Ben would put his doinkle away. At least cover it with a blanket or sock, for _mercy’s sake._ That thing is huge and thick enough to have its own galactic zip code.

Luke prepares for the confrontation by gathering the Force around him, by asserting his authority as the legendary Jedi who saved the galaxy. 

“Benjamin Chewbacca-Skywalker-Organa-Solo,” he bellows, “I have caught you breaking Jedi vows and defiling this young lady - this innocent girl! What do you have to say for yourself?”

Ben waves his allegations away. 

“She’s not a _girl_ , uncle. Rey is a woman. She has been for a while. You were spying on us.”

A statement of fact.

“You liked what you saw, didn't you, uncle?"

The nerve! What an accusation.

“I did not!”

Luke sputters and makes a long, _pfffffftttttt_ sound with his lips. Ben uses the back of his hand to wipe his face, and Luke cringes. He didn’t mean to spit. How uncivil.

He tries to recover by giving Ben his most stern expression.

“Now Benjamin, you know that’s a load of baloney. Rey is a Padawan. She’s still a kid! She doesn’t have an understanding of -”

" _She’s twenty years old!_ ” Ben roars.

“You could get her with child!” Luke quips back, "Think of the consequences! If your mother knew-“

Luke stops. Leia would love to be a grandmother. Bad angle for his argument.

Ben palms his face with a groan, and then braces one arm on the wall. He stares at Luke through wild black hair.

“Look, Uncle Luke - Rey and I have been together for two years.”

_WHAAAAAAAAAT._

Luke’s jaw almost hits the ground. His universe is spinning out of control. 

“We’re taking precautions. We don’t want kids for what - another five years?” He turns to check with Rey.

Rey pulls the sheets over her bosom and speaks in that light, charming accent.

“Three years. It can take more than a few tries to get pregnant,” she gives Ben a tender, shy smile.

Ben’s rage momentarily disappears.

He gazes at Rey with a dopey, lovestruck grin, with an expression that can only be described as puppy-eyed.

“Yeah," his smile brightens his entire face, "Alright then, three years. That’s great - perfect, actually. You’re going to make an incredible mother, Rey. I can’t wait to raise a family with you.”

Rey blushes.

Luke’s eyes bulge in their sockets. His face turns beet red and sweat runs in droplets down his nose. They are _flaunting_ their indecency in front of him. 

Well, Ben isn’t the only one with a temper around here. And oh buddy-boy is he about to cut the dragon loose! 

Luke squares his shoulders and places his hands on his hips.

“ _Benjamin_ ,” he scolds, his voice shrill and haughty, “I cannot accept this behavior at my Jedi Academy. If both of you do not renounce your ways and show true remorse I’ll - I’ll have to send Rey away. She’ll transfer to the _other_ academy. You can’t focus with her here. You’re so close to completing your training. Do you really want to throw it all away for...” Luke’s voice drops to an embarrassed whisper, “...for _pussy_?”

Ben’s expression turns to stone.

Oh dear.

The only betrayal of emotion is the fury smoldering in Ben’s dark gaze. The muscles in his shoulders tense, his entire body is rigid, poised, and ready to pounce.

“Listen old man,” Ben’s fists clench and unclench, “I love Rey more than anything.”

Luke trembles from the weight and utter devotion in Ben’s words. The _depth._

“I’d sacrifice everything for her. You don’t _touch_ her, you don’t _dare_ disrespect her. You don’t talk about her body. You want to send her away? You’re going through me first.” Ben’s low, silken tone is frightening. His thunderous rage is building behind it, Luke senses it. 

“If I catch you _leering_ at her again, if I hear you talking about her like that -” 

“I wasn’t leering!” Luke squeals.

Whatever shred of control Ben was hanging onto snaps. 

“ _You were and I’ll break your neck for it!”_

Uh oh. That renowned Skywalker temper. Luke gulps.

Maybe he should scurry up the hillside and deal with this family drama tomorrow. Yeah that’s a good idea. Decompress with some milk and cookies, let everyone calm down.

But then -

Rey slinks off the bed, the sheets wrapped around her like some kind of mortis goddess. Gosh, Ben wasn’t kidding. She _is_ a woman. Out of those boxy Padawan robes she has a waist, hips and shapely calves. Her bottom is full and round. There was plenty for Ben to hold and squeeze as he...as he... 

A strangled whine escapes Luke’s throat. 

Has he been wrong to deny primal urges? _His_ doinkle feels like it might implode. 

Rey sweeps across the floor and circles her arms around Ben. Her delicate hands caress his chest, fingers tracing the hard planes of his muscles.

“Sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere,” she soothes, taming the beast. She kisses his bicep, nips at it a little, and looks up at him through long lashes.

Luke bristles.

Why does she have _to_ _do that?_ Why does _she sound_ like that? She’s controlling his nephew with her womanly charms and golly jeepers, it’s working. 

Tension melts from Ben’s body as she peppers him with kisses all over. His arms, chest, hollow of his throat - and finally lips. She pulls back, cupping his face.

“Please don’t fight with your uncle. Not like that - with violence. He lived as a hermit for so long-”

A growl rises in Ben's throat.

“How can I _not_ fight for you?” Ben says, searching her gaze, “After what he _said_? His ideas are outdated and _irrelevant._ Delusional. I’m done hiding,” Ben draws Rey gently in and holds her against his chest. She burrows into his willing embrace, and he presses a kiss to her forehead.

Then, he drops a bomb.

“By the way, uncle - Mara Jade’s academy doesn’t have a problem with relationships, with sexuality. Mara Jade’s academy _fucks_. If you didn’t shut out the rest of the galaxy you’d know that.”

No. 

No - that _can’t_ be true. 

But as Luke searches his feelings, he finds that Ben is telling the truth.

His universe shatters into a million pieces.

Is he an outdated artifact as Ben claims? Is everyone humoring him while they secretly borkle behind closed doors?

" _Nooooooo!”_ Luke cries, arms flailing in the air as he escapes up the hillside. He is haunted by the memory of Rey’s throbbing pussy, of wet noises, of titties bouncing, and Ben hurting his feelings with his scathing words. How could he be so out of touch with Mara Jade’s new philosophy? 

Just as he rounds a corner, he hears Ben’s voice carried by the wind - 

_“Uncle, wait!”_

No, no he is not going to wait. Luke careens into his hut, slams the door shut and locks it. Still sobbing, he opens his pantry and begins shoving cookies into his mouth.

Tomorrow, he will address all of this with the Knights and Padawans.

And Dagnabbit, he is going to have mature adults on his side.

With a sniffle, Luke sends a message to Han and Leia requesting their presence.


	3. Is that sex?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. your comments/kudos are appreciated during these dark times. 
> 
> xoxo
> 
> PS i think Luke needs to meet Mara Jade in chap 4.
> 
> _____

Luke awakens just before sunrise, his stomach in knots. He groans and brushes the cookie crumbs out of his beard.

He wishes last night was a nightmare, but it was all too real. It is the reason he gorged on forty-two cookies. Luke stumbles to his fridge and chugs a bottle of blue milk. He needs to hydrate, and fast, or else he’s going to get constipated. And that shit hurts. Literally.

He _hates_ cookie poops.

With a stinky toot trailing behind him, Luke meanders outside his hut and takes in the sunrise. It is beautiful, soothing, and he meditates on his behavior. 

Giving into anger and lashing out in rage is not the Jedi way. He needs to set a better example for Ben and Rey. 

Especially Ben. His nephew can’t be farkling Padawans in his free time. 

Poor innocent Rey. How did she get mixed up in all of this? As far as Luke knows, women don’t have sexual urges the way men do. Their sexual organs are more functional than pleasurable. Why is she letting his nephew play with her? Love? 

Pah. Those kids don’t know the meaning of love. 

All the same, Luke is humbled by his behavior. By his mistake. A Jedi Master needs to be the bigger person and apologize.

He resolves to do it. 

Brilliant shades of orange and red paint the sky. Birds trill and he hears the waves crashing against the rocks below. 

Luke makes his way to Ben’s hut first. Rey better not be there - not after he busted them. Not if they respect him.

Renewed with a sense of purpose, Luke jogs up the Ben’s hut and - 

Skids to a halt.

Through the window, he spots a tangle of limbs.

 _What_ is happening here?

Rey is lying on the bed with Ben between her legs. Her hands are curled in his hair, tugging as she moans.

Ben is doing _what_ exactly? Is she hurt? Is something lost or stuck in her pussy?

Luke scowls and drops to the ground. He crawls around the hut to another window for a different view. His head pokes up and - 

He’s bowled over.

Ben’s tongue is lapping at her pussy. Long, wide strokes. He’s _eating_ her.

Is this sex? Surely not. Luke has never witnessed any galactic animal servicing the other orally. However, it looks quite lewd.

Luke decides it is against the code. He can hardly tolerate the slurping noises. 

As for Rey - 

She is _singing_ , her legs are quaking. She’s absolutely lost in whatever Ben is doing, and her thighs clamp around his head. Then she whimpers and _shouts_.

Wow. 

What a _pitch_. Rey can belt out a scream, but then he learned that last night. 

Luke clears out his ear with one finger, and crouches out of view. He’s being dealt blow after blow this week.

His nephew _eats pussy_. The galaxy grows darker by the minute.

Leia and Han will be arriving soon, he should meet them first. They need to hear about all the drama from an adult. From someone who can keep vows. Not their out-of-control son who preys on naive Padawans. Luke starts to roll away when Rey’s voice gives him pause.

“ _...I want to please you._ ”

Kriff. That accent. His pants are tightening again.

“You should rest,” Ben’s deep voice answers, “Stay in bed. I’ll bring you breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You’re always hungry.”

“But you’re _hard_ ,” she counters.

Luke looks down at his pants. Uhhh yeah, he is hard.

“Isn’t there anything this _Padawan_ can do for you?”

Ben snorts.

“My uncle is ridiculous in the way he infantilizes you. Padawan. Like that makes you a child. You should be a Knight by now. I don’t know why Skywalker is holding you back.”

“ _You_ know I’m not a child.”

Luke pokes his head up. He stifles a yelp.

Golly.

Rey has her hand in Ben’s trousers. She’s stroking him.

“Why don’t you teach me about what it means to be a Knight?” Rey hums, “What do I have to _do?_ ”

That seems to do it. Ben kicks off his trousers and is on top of her in seconds.

“Is that right?”

“Mmhmm,” she purrs.

Ben puts a hand on her shoulder, and turns her over.

“Do you want to move up in rank? Become a Knight?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Rey breathes.

Luke gnaws on his lower lip. Ben’s got her on all fours like an _animal_ and is using his knee to force her legs apart. 

What a _brute_.

“If you want to advance in rank,” Ben digs his fingers into her hips, “You’re going to have to _prove_ how much you want it.” 

Luke stares in horror as fluid dribbles from the crown of Ben’s cock and he - _oh maker_ \- his depraved nephew teases his erection up and down Rey’s glistening slit.

She _mewls_ in response, like some kind of submissive loth-cat. 

In a low, husky tone, Ben commands her. 

“Your tiny little pussy is going to take _every inch_ of my cock if you want the rank of Jedi Knight.” 

Luke is rooted to the spot, shell shocked. This is escalating quickly.

Ben is cornering Rey into dirty, dirty sex. Why is she staring at him _like that?_ His hands fly over his face. He can’t bear witness to this again.

And yet - 

Luke hears a squishy, wet noise - like something slowly being impaled - and he looks up to see Ben arching over Rey’s back. The muscles in his arms ripple as he suspends himself over her and he is - Luke bites down on his fist to stop from screaming - Ben is _mounting_ _Rey._

Luke caught them in this position before, but this is _significantly_ worse. She’s trapped underneath him. He’s got her pinned. Even with the Force, there is no way she can escape his enormous nephew.

Ben has her at his mercy.

“You’re going to come on my cock like a good girl,” Ben murmurs into her ear, catching her lobe between his teeth. His breath is hot against her cheek, “I’m going to fill your pussy up - you’re gonna milk every last drop. You understand, Rey?”

Wait a minute. 

Wait just a _gosh darn minute._ Wasn’t Ben the one insisting Rey was _not_ a girl, but a woman? Luke purses his lips in anger.

“Ah - ah... _Ben_ ,” Rey cries, keening out a wail. Ben engulfs her completely, he’s so _huge_ compared to her, and he threads his fingers with hers as he rocks into her body, his tempo increasing with every thrust. 

“Hope you remembered your pill,” he growls, deep and guttural, “because you’re definitely going to be pregnant after I’m through with you.”

“Oh _fuck_ ,” she moans, “Ben, _Ben_ ….”

His name is a plea on her lips, and Luke is _thisclose_ from barging in and rescuing her.

But then Ben pulls back, his hands clasped around Rey’s tiny waist to keep her still.

“You’re always so _tight,_ ” he pants, bottoming out, “such a tight, pretty pussy. So warm and slick.”

_Thrust._

“All _mine_.”

_Thrust._

“Never gonna let anyone else touch you.”

_Thrust._

Ben leans down to capture her mouth in a bruising kiss. He clasps her jaw in one hand, making eye contact as he fucks her.

“Say it, Rey. Say you are _mine_.”

She looks dazed.

“I...I’m….Ben, _I’m yours.”_

Ben kisses her again, lifts her hips higher, and fucks her like he _owns_ her.

Luke swoons. He is delirious from the energy of it. He might pass out. He watches as Ben nuzzles the nape of her neck, both of their bodies drenched in sweat.

“ _I_ _fucking love you so much_ ,” Ben huffs, nearly as incoherent as she is, “ _gonna send you to Skywalker’s training session full of my come_.”

Luke gasps. Is it legal for Ben to talk to her like that?

The filthy words work like magic. Rey blubbers, barely able to speak, spreading her thighs as far as they’ll go. 

Luke is enthralled, his revulsion temporarily forgotten. He mindlessly wishes he had some cookies to snack on while watching this. He can smell the scent of sex from here, sweet and musky, their bodies moving as one. 

Rey sobs out Ben’s name - holy karkle is she consistently _loud_ \- and Luke watches as a slick fluid oozes down her thighs, soaking the mattress. Ben follows, saying her name over and over. He pumps into Rey for a long time.

 _By the Force_ , he was serious about filling her up. These two are _nasty._

Bile rises in Luke’s throat.

What is he _doing?_

This is the Dark Side, tempting him.

At least now he has the receipts to put Ben in his place. Degrading Rey to a sex toy so he can polish the _lightsaber in his pants,_ pfffft!

Ben claims to love Rey, but he just took advantage of her status as a Padawan. His nephew is in a position of authority and blackmailed her into boinking so she could become a Knight. That's not how the Force or the Jedi Order works. 

Shameful!

Luke feels vindicated. Sex does lead to the Dark side, to unnatural things.

He is full of confidence when he bursts through the front door. 

“Aha!” He exclaims, “Young Solo, I just witnessed you coercing this Padawan into intercourse and threatened to get her in the family way! I have seen your true intentions! You professed love but nothing about this is loving. You need an intervention.”

Ben hastily covers Rey with a blanket. Luke feels the heat of his gaze.

“Uncle, you dirty old man,” Ben exhales, shaking his head, “Un-fucking-believable.” 

Luke hops back and forth on his feet, full of adrenaline. He's pissed! He’s ready for this. For his nephew’s destructive anger. Bring it on.

But then the unexpected happens.

Ben and Rey look at each other, and explode into laughter.

Laughter?

Luke’s fight dance loses some steam. What’s so funny?

“Master Luke,” Rey doubles over, “I _like_ when Ben talks to me that way. We enjoy a _variety_ of things during sex. Ben is not hurting me. I know you have taken a vow of celibacy but you are aware that sexual fantasies are just that...right? You must know consenting adults can do as they please.”

Not Jedi, Luke wants to yell. Somehow their laughter stings more than Ben berating him. 

Luke glances helplessly around. His cheeks are burning with embarrassment. This isn’t going how he thought it would. She just said the word _sex_ out loud. And sarlacc tentacles, she’s continuing!

“Ben has the contraceptive implant. I’m not going to get pregnant, and you should hear what I say when _I’m_ in control.”

Oh.

Oh.

What the -

He can’t handle this. Nope.

Alarms are sounding off in Luke’s brain. Rey is talking about _sex_ , about the forbidden act while _naked_. She is positively basking in the aftermath of her climax.

“I’m kidding, of course,” she adds in a rush, “About you hearing what I say. I really think the three of us ought to sit down and talk about this. When we’re all clothed,” she finishes with a _giggle_.

A giggle?

What is she, high off her orgasms?

“But you _must_ stop spying on us, Master Luke. It is beyond disturbing. It’s violating.”

She’s not giggling now. 

“I agree,” Ben breaks his silence, his tone eerily calm. Any trace of humor is gone from his face. He stands and progresses towards Luke, taking his time, “I told you to respect Rey, uncle.”

Gulp.

Ben’s chest swells, his nostrils flare.

“You don’t seem to understand words. Maybe you’ll understand this.”

“ _Ben!”_

The last thing Luke sees is a giant fist colliding with his face.

  
  



	4. Sibling Dynamics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> need to read something dumb to decompress? im back on my bullshit with chapter 4.  
> tags have been upated. thx for reading.

Everything is fuzzy and muted. Luke is vaguely aware that he is in a hut, lying on his back. He pinches his eyes open and shut, trying to clear his vision. Force does his head hurt. His nose throbs and is caked with dried blood.

There are voices speaking in hushed whispers, and he strains to hear them.

“I know it’s wrong, but he’s _elderly_ Ben. A punch like that could kill him.”

Rey? Defending him?

Wait a minute. 

He is not _elderly._

“You gotta learn to control that temper kid.”

Han? Han is here - that means Leia must be nearby. Luke attempts to sit up but his pounding headache forces him back down. Still, a spark of glee runs through him: Ben is outnumbered now. Sure, Han and Leia are his parents, but they will not tolerate Ben’s shenanigans.

Not that Ben is beyond redemption - or Rey - but they spat on thousands and thousands of years of sacred Jedi philosophy. They’ve rutted all over it.

“Luke.”

A cold washcloth presses against his forehead. 

“Were you meddling again?”

It is his sister’s voice.

“Leia,” Luke croaks, elated to see her, “I - maybe. But I had no choice. Ben has strayed too far from the Jedi path. He has corrupted Rey. He’s got her bent over his bed all night!”

“Rey is a big girl,” Leia says, “she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions.”

“Hmph. Where is Han?”

“Outside with the others.”

Luke pulls the wet cloth over his eyes, frustrated.

“Ben and Rey told us everything, Luke.”

He lifts the cloth and peeps at Leia. She clasps her hands and exhales a long sigh. She appears resigned to telling him something important, and Luke braces for impact.

“Han and I have known about Rey and Ben since they became a couple.”

Luke feels like he’s being punched in the face all over again. Is everyone in his family a big poodie-doodie liar?

“Now wait,” Leia holds up a hand, sensing his reaction, “we were just as shocked as you were. Two years ago Han received a frantic message from Ben asking for emergency anti-contraceptive serum.”

Leia leans in and narrows her eyes.

“Han hauled his ass and the Falcon into light speed to deliver it as quickly as possible. Shortly after that he brought the implant to Ben. Luke, why don’t you keep any contraceptive medicines or serums on Ahch-To? Not even condoms? With all the hormones and curiosity young adults go through, there are bound to be sexual encounters.”

Luke sputters and sits up, indignant.

“This is a Jedi Academy, Leia! Not a Farkle Academy! This is where one learns to Master the Force, not their doinkle. Ben can learn to keep it in his pants and Rey can keep her legs closed if they want complete protection. That boy is trouble. Am I the only one with any respect for the Force anymore around here?”

Leia folds her arms and shakes her head. Her expression is sad, but there is heat behind her gaze when she regards him. 

“Oh, Luke. What has happened to you? This is not the brother I know. You are not a hateful person. You brought our father back to the Light side with love and compassion. Where is your compassion for Ben and Rey?” 

Luke responds by mirroring Leia and folds his arms. His bottom lip juts out and he pouts. 

“My _compassion_ was flushed down the garbage shoot when they lied to me. When you all lied to me! What’s next? What other things are you lying about? Are you and Han even married? Did you borkle before marriage!?”

Late afternoon crickets chirp through the window. Leia massages her temple.

“First of all, I wish you would use your adult vocabulary. And you were at our wedding, Luke. If it is so important for you to know, Ben was conceived right after the Battle of Endor. And I _mean_ right after.”

A harsh wheezing sound escapes from Luke as he doubles over in shock. Completely frazzled, he picks up his pillow and screams into it. He bites into it until the pillow rips and feathers explode into the room. Ben was conceived before marriage. Force this is just - this is just the _worst_. Surely he had blocked that information out. 

Leia mumbles something about him being melodramatic and then, to his surprise, takes his hand in hers. She squeezes reassuringly. 

“Deep breaths. Calm down. Luke, there is absolutely nothing wrong with _not_ wanting a relationship. Or wanting one! There is nothing wrong with _not_ having sexual desires. Or if you want a relationship without sex, that’s fine too. Or if you want only sex - I don’t care. Any combination is valid. But the disdain you display towards others is pathological. This is more than breaking archaic Jedi doctrine. Tell me what is _really_ going on, Skywalker. Spill.”

Luke sniffs and rubs his nose. He hesitates, and for a moment looks past Leia and out the window, his mind somewhere faraway. He is a man haunted by memories and plagued by past mistakes.

“Luke,” Leia encourages him gently, “tell me why you’re acting like this is worse than the Death Star.”

“Because Leia,” he says, “you can’t trust the sexy feelings. The one time I did, it turned out the woman I found attractive was my sister.”

“ _The_ sexy feelings?” Leia raises her brows.

“The Jedi were right to ignore their attachments. They lead to unnatural things!”

“Nonsense, Luke!” Leia stands, “That was over twenty years ago. We were in the midst of war and you had no idea who I was. I think you need to reexamine your beliefs. Really pick them apart. Challenge yourself. Don’t act out of _fear_.”

Luke hangs his head. Little sisters can be such a pain in the keister. 

“I called someone to help guide you through it. It was Ben’s suggestion. When you are ready, Mara Jade is willing to talk Jedi philosophy with you. She wants to share how she handles attachments at her academy.”

“She _doesn’t_ handle them!” Luke howls, thrashing his head back and forth, “It’s a _fuuuuuuukfessssst over there! Fucccckkkkkfessssssst!"_

“Stop it! Pull it together Luke!” Leia shouts back, "You idiot, you have a concussion!" 

Then, a knock at the door. 

“Helllooo,” a soft, sultry voice floats into the room. The door is barely ajar and a woman with long red hair steps inside.

“Things sounded like they were getting heated so I thought I’d check in.”

By the sun, moon, and stars, she isn’t a woman. She is a _goddess._ Her emerald eyes sparkle with amusement and Luke straightens his posture.

_Mara Jade._

The Force is vivacious and strong within her. Luke feels his body respond to this incredible creature.

Not again - 

Not the _tent_ in his pants. Go down, go down, he wills his growing erection. Luke blames this on Rey and her needy pussy. On Ben and his dirty words. They have awakened something in him and he needs to bury it back down!

Wanting to make a good impression, Luke thinks of the most unappealing things in the galaxy. 

Palpatine’s wrinkly-melty lightning face. His sharp, nasty rotting shark teeth. His red-rimmed eyes that looked like the galaxy's worst case of pink eye. Luke hopes Darth Vader was covertly farting on Palpatine's pillowcases out of spite.

What else is an erection killer?

Bantha buttholes.

Ewok orgies.

Stinky farts under his bed sheets that he can’t escape.

The Palpatine visual works best, and Luke exhales a breath of relief. The tent in his pants is gone. Completely deflated. 

Now he is prepared to face Mara Jade. 

Leia rolls her eyes, and leaves the hut. 


	5. Horny Jedi Code

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading this very silly story.  
> QueenOfCarrotFlowers created a great moodboard for this fic, thank you so much! this is something i write when the world is dark and i need to decompress, i'm glad if it makes you laugh too. 
> 
> moodboard:  
> https://twitter.com/flowerofcarrots/status/1268196124432699392?s=20
> 
> ____

“I have to say Luke,” Mara Jade’s hips sway as she inspects the hut, “your family has quite the flair for drama. And now between you and your sweet nephew. It’s rather unfortunate. Why, I remember when Ben was born - what a cute baby he was. Those chubby little legs and arm rolls were adorable. And that gummy smile!

“Well,” Luke grumbles, “he’s grown from an adorable baby to a very horny young man. I don’t know how Rey keeps up with his appetite. Maybe that’s why she was limping last week. Farkling is a _sport_ for those two. I don’t think Ben even wants to _be_ a Jedi Master.”

Mara makes a face.

“Farkle…? Ah, you mean sex.”

“You're gosh darn right that's what I mean! I caught Ben skewering Rey on his doinkle like a shishkabob. She’s got him under some kind of spell with her feminine charms.”

“Feminine _charms_?”

“Yes,” Luke says earnestly, “Perhaps I was wrong to allow men and women to mix. Ben was doing fine until Rey and her pussy showed up.”

The Force storms around Mara Jade, power radiates off her in waves and she bears down on Luke. Her jaw is clenched tight and she locks eyes with the old Jedi.

“I won’t tolerate sexist attitudes, Luke. If I hear one more slur about Rey or her body I’ll remove you as Master of this school myself.”

Luke lets out a huff.

“ _Fine_ ,” he whines. Women are kinda scary. 

Mara lets out a low whistle and walks around Luke, her hand lightly caressing the expanse of his shoulders.

It feels.... _good_.

“Your fixation on the carnal aspect of sex is _quite_ illuminating. There are other elements of sex to consider: spiritual, emotional, psychological. The raw connection with another person or persons. Self discovery. It is a beautiful thing. And of course, if one is so inclined, the creation of life itself. It would seem that sex is a ritual that honors the Force instead of disrespecting it. The Force is not a _person_ who judges, Luke.”

The - _what?_

Luke places his hands on his hips, frustrated beyond reason. So far _no one_ has acknowledged how wrong this all is! Angry red splotches appear on his face.

“So _Mara Jade_ , you’re saying unless I have sex or produce offspring that there’s something wrong with me? What a bunch of kooky nonsense. Pressuring people into feeling like they need to have sexual desires is wrong! I’m the victim here!”

Mara’s vibrant red hair shimmers as she shakes her head and groans. Intelligence flashes in her emerald eyes as she drags a stool over to sit across from Luke. She rests her elbows on her thighs and clasps her hands. She lifts her gaze to meet his, her voice soft but firm when she speaks.

“No, Luke. I am not trying to argue that everyone _needs_ to have sex. Or that everyone _needs_ to have sexual desires. I am trying to demonstrate that people who _do_ enjoy sex are still worthy of the Force. Of respect. We all are. The old Jedi philosophy got it very wrong when they condemned attachments. It led to their downfall. If you don’t stop demonizing people like Ben and Rey, you will become irrelevant.” 

Luke’s vision fractures. Panic tightens his chest. That is what Ben had called him! Irrelevant! Blast it all, this new generation of young folks is out of control. And Mara Jade has been suckered in! This beautiful, smart woman with big jubblies and an even bigger brain has fallen for their revisionist, horny Jedi code.

Luke holds his head high, preparing his counter argument.

“Mara Jade, we both know the dark side is selfishness.”

“I agree.”

“Relationships - especially romantic ones - are the epitome of selfishness. _Sex_ ,” he tries not to giggle hysterically as he says the grown-up word, “is inherently selfish. You should see how Ben reacts to anyone coming near Rey. He turns into a feral, violent beast. He’s absolutely barbaric. Those are _dark_ feelings that could ultimately seduce him to the dark side.”

Mara throws her hands up in the air, “Ben told me that you threatened to send Rey _away_. He loves her, Luke. He wants to have babies with her someday. And you threatened to take that from him. Anger, rage - those are normal, healthy emotions. It is how we react to them that matters. If Ben has only been taught to repress his emotions, how do you expect him to respond? We have to guide and help young people respond to _all_ emotions in a healthy way.”

Luke’s head is spinning. 

Mara Jade is _really really_ smart. And hubba wubba, her plush, juicy lips are becoming increasingly mesmerizing to watch.

Luke is overcome with the sudden desire to be a good host, to be a gentleman. He rises and walks over to his mini-fridge. 

“All this conversation must be making you thirsty, Mara Jade. May I offer you some refreshments? Blue milk? Cookies? Or blue ice cream? I churn it myself.”

“Why yes, thank you Luke. Milk will be just fine.” Her long lashes flutter and Luke makes a show of opening the fridge. He is about to pour his finest milk when he hears a gasp. Mara strides over to him, gaping at something in his fridge.

“Luke,” she sounds horrified, “what in the hell _is_ that?”

Oh.

That.

Luke knows _exactly_ which jar she means. He picks it up and juggles it from hand to hand.

“This is a jar of pickled mini-Snokes,” he declares proudly. 

“Pickled - _what_? What is a Snoke? Some kind of delicacy?”

Luke makes a face. That’s just nasty.

“It is a long tale, Mara Jade, but I shall do my best to condense it. You remember when my father threw Palpatine down the shaft and the Death Star was blown to smithereens.”

“I do.”

“Well, it turns out Palpatine had a bunch of goofy looking clones hidden on the Sith planet Exegol!”

“ _What?”_

Oh yeah, he’s smokin’- hot now. He’s got her full attention. Confidence returns to Luke as he paces around the room, relishing in sharing this shocking information.

“Yuppers. Not long after my father passed, I felt a disturbance in the Force. It was faint, but I felt it. And then my father’s Force ghost visited me to issue a warning. Man, was he pissed! And my fears were confirmed. That old goat Palpatine had a contingency plan. His love of pickling and cloning resulted in clones that could have led to him returning. ”

“By the Force!” Mare Jade exclaims, “That is - that is _truly_ disturbing.”

Luke points a finger at her.

“Exactly, kiddo. So I flew over to Exegol and destroyed them all. Well, I took one as a souvenir.”

“Why? Is it still alive?”

“Oh no,” Luke says seriously, “It’s dead. But it makes for a great conversation piece. And honestly, it’s just a great example of pickling.”

A beat of silence passes. Mara clears her throat.

“Have you heard from your father since?” She asks quietly. 

Luke looks wistfully into the distance, his voice thick with emotion.

“No. I last saw him decades ago after I smashed the pickled Snokes. He came to say farewell - he decided to join my mother, Padme, in the Force. All he ever wanted was to be with her, and now they are together. I think he only stuck around to make sure Palps was gone. There is no way he would want that crusty cretin torturing another generation of Skywalker-Organa-Solos. I miss hearing from him, but I am glad he’s at peace.”

Mara places a hand on his shoulder.

“Isn’t it lovely then, that your nephew gets to live out your parent’s dream? You and Leia fought not only for your own freedom and the galaxy’s freedom, but for his future as well. That should be celebrated, not condemned.”

It’s like being struck by lightning. The gears turn in Luke’s head. By golly, she’s right!

He has to apologize to Ben and Rey. Really, truly, apologize.

“Come on Mara,” Luke throws open the door. For a minute the world spins, and he slows down. Concussion Leia had said. Yowzers, she wasn’t kidding. Ben sure can land a punch.

“I have to set things right with my nephew and Rey. Somehow. Dash-it-all, even if we disagree, we will find a way to work things out.”

Mara beams. 

“That’s the Skywalker I know.”

Luke practically skips with glee over to Ben’s hut. Han and Leia are nowhere in sight, but Mara remains at his side. 

But then - 

Oh geez.

Cold sweat begins to form on the back of Luke’s neck. 

Through the window he spots Ben from the waist up. His eyes are screwed shut and he is trembling, biting his bottom lip and mindlessly _panting_. Luke has never seen his nephew in such a vulnerable state. He jogs ahead of Mara who shouts at him but he doesn’t heed her warning. 

_“Rey, Rey...please...Rey -”_

Ben is moaning and whimpering Rey’s name. Whimpering! Since when is his alpha-beast nephew submissive? Ben’s chest heaves and is drenched in sweat, his hands gripping _something_ in front of him. 

Messy wet licking and slurping noises are accompanied by Rey’s sensuous voice.

“Not yet - you can’t come until I say.”

More broken panting and pleading from Ben. 

Wow, these two _really_ have control issues. Luke can’t believe that Ben is letting Rey boss him around like that! Rey has always been somewhat of a bossypants, but this is next level.

“I told you they go at it like rabbits,” Luke whispers as Mara catches up with him, “What are they _doing_?” He starts to arch his head up and oh - Rey is coming into view - it looks like she is bobbing up and down - 

A hard yank on his tunic pulls him backwards.

“ _Luke,_ ” Mara hisses, “ _s_ _top it!”_

“What?” Luke shrugs his shoulders, “They are doggone rule breakers! Every time I try to talk to them I find them committing these indecent acts.”

Mara leads Luke away by his collar.

“They have a right to privacy, Luke. For someone who is so vocal about _not_ wanting to have sex, you’re sure obsessed with it. Maybe you should explore your sexual desires. Stop taking out your sexual frustrations on Ben and rage-baking cookies.”

 _Wowzers._ Mara Jade is perceptive. 

Luke sputters and is unable to form an intelligible sentence. He bends over to catch his breath, her suggestion just bowls him over. This Mara Jade - she truly _is_ a contemporary woman with modern ideas.

They walk in silence to Luke’s hut as he mulls over her suggestion. When they reach the door, she turns to him.

“Well?” Mara asks, “What do you say?”

“Give me a minute. Wait here - please.”

Luke dashes inside and flings open his closet doors. He _knows_ it is in here somewhere - he flips through dozens of outfits and pushes aside piles of robes and tunics. At last, he comes upon an old chest.

Reverently, Luke opens it and removes a pair of knee-high black boots and a black-clad outfit. Nostalgic tears run down his face. It is the sassy outfit he wore when Anakin returned to the Light. 

Stripping down to nothing, Luke squeezes into the skintight pants and tunic. Blast it all, he _will_ make this fit. He doesn’t look a day over 30 for goodness sakes! Twenty minutes and a broken zipper later, he manages to get dressed.

Gasping and heaving for air, Luke examines himself in a full-length mirror.

He looks _dashing._

Luke walks stiffly across the hut, squeaking with every step. If he walks too quickly something will rip, and he can’t have that. He opens the door and leans against the frame. He winks at Mara Jade and offers a sly smile. 

“I’m ready to explore my sexual desires."

What other seductive things can he say to this incredible woman? Ben sure knows how to make a sopping wet mess of Rey. Maybe he should follow his nephew's example. Luke repeats the dirty sentence Ben muttered to Rey. He narrows his eyes and wiggles his eyebrows. 

"I hope you took your pill Mara Jade, because when I'm through with you, you'll _definitely_ be pregnant." 

Mara Jade presses her lips together. Her shoulders are shaking.

Wait. Is she laughing? No, that is not what he's going for! 

"Luke, you know I'm in my late 50s. That's not a risk for me."

Right...he knew that.

"Come on," she cocks her head to the side and drags him inside the hut, "let's start off slow."

Mara's throaty tone causes his pants to grow tight and - and - and - 

Luke lets out a low, guttural groan. He sees stars. Out of all the adventures in the galaxy he has been on, this one might be the wildest. 


End file.
